I released a song for the first time in 15 years
My first answer to the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” was film composer. I think that’s still my answer. That’s why, since the age of five, I would play music every single day. That’s why I would write songs and compose music at any opportunity. That’s why I learned to play as many different instruments as possible. That’s why I performed in orchestras, wind bands, jazz ensembles and folk bands and rock bands and choirs. That’s why, in 2004, I went to music college to study composition.
The world was very different then, in the early 2000s. Social media as we know it didn't exist, and the internet didn’t have the connective power it has today. It seemed that to break into the world of film composition you had to live in London or some other cosmopolitan city and know some very influential people who just might get you a foot in the door. And so I turned to music teaching to pay the bills, and eventually, the technology industry, where I find myself today.
In my early tech career, I continued to write and perform as a musical comedian. Over the last 13 years, I’ve continued to play piano for enjoyment, I play music with my husband and son, I’ve been taking drum lessons since September 2023, and I’ve occasionally scribbled down scraps of musical ideas with the full intention of turning them into something real. But the music didn’t come. I felt it, deep inside of me, trying to fight its way out. But I couldn’t let it out, for reasons still unknown.
In 2005 during the second year of my four-year composition degree, I didn’t write any new music for nine whole months. This was an extremely stressful time, given that I had only 11 months to complete at least three pieces of music to submit for my end of year portfolio. I don’t know how I did it, but I completed my portfolio that year, and got good marks. The last 13 years have been a lot like those nine months. In order to reveal itself, the music within me needed to find a purpose.
Last month, I wrote an article titled I am in an abusive relationship with the technology industry. Written in an hour of rage one rainy Friday afternoon, I did not expect the article to resonate with so many people. In the article, I wrote about how the serendipitous discovery of some new folk music led me to realise what I have been struggling with whilst working in tech, and what I have been neglecting to experience. And given folk music has historically been used to protest against societal issues and communicate the human struggle, I also realised that I had simultaneously discovered my new musical purpose.
The next few weeks are a whirlwind in my memory. I had a such a clear vision of the music I wanted to create that I blocked out all of life’s stressors; I felt that the music had fully formed itself inside me and I was merely the vessel for its manifestation. I practised singing in the shower, I shared early versions of the song with my friends, I bought a new vocal mic after discovering the old one I had wasn’t good enough, and I took a day off work to immerse myself for seven hours uninterrupted in creating this new song. My husband excitedly recorded the guitar parts of the track, and my son ran around the house joyfully singing the chorus.
And throughout all of this, I felt such an energetic sense of purpose and activation in creating new music for the first time in over a decade that I also felt I had rediscovered my true self.
I would like to share this new song with you today.
Reject the machine by chromasetica is available on all major streaming platforms, and you can watch the music video and sing along with the lyrics on chromasetica.com.
